and that scares the living beejeebies out of me. [yes, i am also, under there somewhere, excited about this next phase of life. but at the moment, i am desperately trying not to get swallowed up in my fears.]
of the future. fears that haven’t happened yet [and maybe will never ever happen.]
so many of them.
will the baby be okay? healthy? what about labour. and breastfeeding. will the red and yellow shirts in bangkok wreak havoc again while we’re trying to deliver a baby? will it be born early or late. will it get sick? will we like it? will we be good parents? what about work. and sleeping. and going to visit home. and 15 years from now when it’s a teenager. will it like us then? can we still go on adventures? and then steve’s whopper of a question: will it be stillborn [he just finished the Grapes of Wrath].
the list itself is as muddled as my mind. pinging back and forth with all sorts of questions that i just don’t have the answers for. and do i hate not knowing answers.
i’ve always had that tendency to drift into the land of “what if” and firmly plant my feet there. and then i live in that space and get comfortable – dwelling on what could possibly, maybe happen in the future. that becomes my normal.
but there’s not way around this. having a baby is full of unknowns and that’s just the way it is. and i can live in the land of fear. or i can choose freedom. by flinging these fears before Him because he cares for me.
but it’s easier said then done.